Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s even harder if you have been isolated
from your family and friends. Chances
are you’ve been physically and psychologically beaten down and financially
controlled. You, your loved ones and
your family pets may also be targets of constant threats.
If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may
be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. One moment, you may desperately want to get
away and the next you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or
feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be
trapped by confusion, guilt or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.
If you are being abused, please remember:
You are not to blame
for being abused or mistreated.
You are not the cause
of your partner’s abusive behavior.
You deserve to be
treated with respect.
You are worthy of
real true love.
You deserve a safe
and happy life free from abuse.
Your children,
friends, family and pets deserve a life free from abuse.
You can take control
of your life.
You are not alone.
There are people waiting to help.
There are
things you can do to protect yourself. These
safety tips can make the difference between being severely injured or killed
and escaping with your life. These
safety tips are provided to demonstrate there is hope and help out there
waiting for you. These safety tips are NOT
intended to be a substitute for the professional help of a domestic violence
counselor.
Prepare Yourself for
Emergencies
Chances are you know your abuser’s red flags. Be on alert for signs and clues that your
abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can
use to leave the house during the day and at night if you feel trouble brewing. For example, return a movie or a library
book.
Identify safe areas of the house where you can go. Plan to go there if your abuser attacks or an
argument starts. Avoid small enclosed
spaces without exits like closets or bathrooms; or rooms with weapons like the
kitchen or garage. If possible, head for a room
with a phone and an outside door or
window.
Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase or signal you can use
to let your children, friends, neighbors or co-workers know that you are in
danger and the police should be called immediately.
Some Tips on Money
If you are employed and make your own money, open your own
checking account at a different bank as soon as you can. If credit is an issue, purchase a prepaid
Visa or MasterCard from a local grocery or drug store. Deposit as much money into the account that
is safely possible to avoid detection as often as you can.
If you are unemployed and have no source of income other
than your abuser, there is still hope!
Start selling items you no longer need or want whether it is clothing,
furniture, jewelry, toys, DVDs, video games or books. Contact a local consignment shop, have a
garage sale or open an eBay account.
Purchase name brand products for your kitchen and bathroom
such as shampoo, conditioner, detergents and cleaners. Save and hide the name brand product package away when
it’s all gone. When you go shopping to
replace those items, buy the less expensive store brand and refill the name
brand containers with it. Perhaps your
abuser scrutinizes your receipts – no problem.
Repurchase the name brands and take them home for a receipt review. As soon as you can, take the products with
the receipt back to the store for a refund and purchase the less expensive
store brand again. You can deposit the
difference into your new account!
Sell your blood plasma.
You can generally get $40 for the first and second visit. When you become a frequent donor they will likely pay around $30. If you do it twice a week you may get, up to, an
extra $240. Be prepared for a lengthy physical.
Then a needle in you for 45 minutes, afterward you don't need the
physical; just the 45 minute needle.
Research what companies are paying in your area.
Open your own checking account at a different bank as soon
as you can. If credit is an issue,
purchase a prepaid Visa or MasterCard from a local grocery or drug store. Deposit as much money into the account that
is safely possible to avoid detection as often as you can.
Make Your Escape Plan
Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep your car fueled up and facing the
driveway exit with the driver’s door unlocked.
Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly. Keep emergency cash, clothing, important phone
numbers, medications and legal documents such as I.D., passports, birth
certificates, titles and registrations, insurance cards – medical and auto – and
medical files for family pets hidden in a safe place. For example, consider getting a safety
deposit box at a different bank; secure them at work or at a trusted friend’s
house. Get a P.O. Box.
Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly
what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, practice the escape plan
with them.
Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask trusted individuals if you can contact
them if you need a ride, a place to stay, need a pet sitter or help contacting
the police. Memorize the numbers of your
emergency contacts, local shelter and domestic violence hotline.
Phone Safety
If you don’t have a cell phone, consider getting one - even an
emergency prepaid one. Seek out where the closest public phone is in case of
emergency. When seeking help for
domestic violence call from a public pay phone, a cell phone that your abuser
does not know about or another phone outside the house if possible. In the U.S., call 911.
Avoid cordless telephones. If you’re calling from your home, use a corded
phone if you have one rather than a cordless phone or cell phone that your
abuser isn’t aware of. A corded phone is
more private, and less easy to tap.
Call collect or use a prepaid phone card. Remember that if you use your own home phone the
phone numbers that you call will be listed on the monthly bill that is sent to
your home. Even if you’ve already left
by the time the bill arrives, your abuser may be able to track you down by the
phone numbers you’ve called for help. For
that very reason, deliberately make calls to businesses like hotels and rental
car companies that are way out of town, out of state or in the complete opposite
direction of where you will be going to before you leave. Do not make calls to friends, relatives or
co-workers as it may put them in danger if your abuser thinks they are hiding
you.
Check your cell phone settings. There are cell phone technologies your abuser
can use to listen in on your calls or track your location. Your abuser can use your cell phone as a
tracking device if it has GPS, is in silent mode or is set to auto answer. Turn
it off when not in use or leave it behind when you flee from your abuser.
Computer and Internet
Safety
Abusers often monitor their partner’s activities, including
their computer use. While there are ways
to delete your internet history, this can be a red flag to your abuser that
you’re trying to hide something. So be very careful. Furthermore, it is almost impossible to clear
a computer of all evidence of the websites that you have visited unless you
know a lot about computers.
Use a safe computer. If you seek help online, you are safest if you
use a computer outside of your home. You
can use a computer at work, a friend’s house, the library, your local community
center or a domestic violence shelter/agency.
Be careful with email and instant messaging. Email and instant messaging are not the safest
way to get help for domestic violence. Be particularly careful when sending email as
your abuser may know how to access your account. Create a new email account that your abuser
does not know about.
Change your user names and passwords. Create new usernames and passwords for your
email, online banking and other sensitive accounts when it’s safe to do so. Even if you think your abuser doesn’t have
your passwords, they may be able to guess it, use spyware or a key-logging program to
get them. Choose passwords that your
abuser cannot guess - avoid birthdays, nicknames and other personal information.
Protecting Yourself
from GPS Surveillance and Recording Devices
Your abuser doesn’t need to be tech savvy in order to use
surveillance technology to monitor your activities and listen in on your
conversations. Be aware that your abuser
may be using hidden cameras such as a Nanny Cam or a baby monitor to check in
on you. Global Positioning System (GPS)
devices are also cheap and easy to use. GPS
devices can be hidden in your car, your purse or other objects you carry with
you. Your abuser can also use your car’s
GPS system (if installed) to see where you’ve been.
If you discover any
tracking or recording devices, leave
them alone until you’re ready to leave. While it may be tempting to remove them or
shut them off, this will alert your abuser that you’re on to them.
Help from Domestic
Violence Shelters
For women,
domestic violence shelters generally have room for both mothers and their
children. However, most do not house the family pet(s). Search
HERE for shelters around the country
that house families and pets together. Some
shelters partner with local animal shelters to house pets temporarily if you’re
unable to make arrangements for your pet on your own. Contact shelters in your area beforehand to
identify pet friendly shelters available to you.
Shelters will provide for all your basic living needs,
including food and childcare. The length
of time you can stay at a shelter varies, but most shelters will also help you
find a permanent home, job and other things you need to start a new life. The shelter should also be able to refer you
to other services in your area for abused women including, but not limited
to: legal help, services for children,
support groups, counseling, education opportunities, employment programs or
health care services.
Getting Started
For Men
Emergency Shelters for men, with or without children, can be
limited. Please speak to a helpline
advocate as soon as safely possible to find out what’s available in your area.
In the US and Canada contact:
Restraining orders
Get a restraining order or protective order against your abuser. Make sure to include your pets in the order
as well. Understand that the police can only
enforce a restraining order if your abuser violates it and if you report the violation.
Find out how restraining orders are enforced in your area. Will your abuser will be given a citation or
will they actually be taken to jail? If
the police simply talk to the abuser or issue a citation, your abuser may see
it as a sign that the police will do nothing and feel there are no real
consequences for pursuing you.
In any event, a restraining order or protective order is not what will keep you safe. It's an important tool that you can use to keep yourself safe. Do not allow yourself
to fall into a false sense of security because an order was issued! You and the people you trust in your life
must remain vigilant for your personal safety.
Change your routine as much as possible and always be alert to your surroundings.
Shop at different stores at different times, fill any prescriptions at a
different pharmacy, take a different route to school or work and/or move your
children to a new day care.
Remember, you are in control now!
Moving On
It’s best to take the time you need to get to know yourself
and understand how you got into an abusive relationship. Take advantage of every resource that is available to you, particularly counseling or group therapy. There’s no sense in rushing into another
relationship that will likely end the same way, especially if you have a
child. This video explains why you must
Choose Your Partner Carefully.
Surviving an abusive relationship is a victory for you. Be proud of yourself! It's likely it will take a while to get over the pain and for you to
feel safe again. Just trust that you will. With professional treatment and support from family and friends you can
speed your recovery from the emotional and physical trauma you've survived. .
